It's weird...being here...in my old journal. I remember when this thing used to mean so much to me. Before I deleted it, I copied everything into Word and had over 100 pages worth of text. I printed it all and now I have no idea where it is. I wonder where it could be lurking around in my room...It's weird how everything from that "era" of my life has just evaporated into the mist of my mind.

I never really got into the whole livejournal thing. Livejournal is so limiting. Bravenet is freedom. I mean, check out this layout. Haha just kidding.

It's weird being here.

For some reason, I keep thinking about this guy. I think I was in love with him. I know, I know, I couldn't have really been in love with him...but he just meant so much to me. I don't know why I still think about him. But I do. I still think about him.

Our names sounded perfect together.

And no, you do not know this person.

I don't know what this post is about. I don't know why I'm here. I guess I'm just writing fragmented pieces of the thoughts present in my mind right now. Just fragments.

I miss the old me. I miss "Esmi." She was depressed, yet witty. Depressed, but spontaneous. Depression is fuel. Now I am just a blah. I am content. I'd rather be anything but content. I'd rather be extremely happy or depressed. I know that sounds crazy but at least when your depressed you have this angry fire burning inside of you. It's like this fuel that never stops burning and pushing you to find a way to make things better. But when your content it's just like "well, life kinda sucks a little but oh well. If I just sit here, good things will come eventually. C'est la vie." It's like you're too close to the verge of happiness that you can't want more without feeling selfish.

See, there is good depression and bad depression. Contentment is the worst kind. It's where you can't really pinpoint what's wrong exactly. Ok, so that's not Webster's definition of being content but it's mine so fuck off .  This is what happened the other day. I was just really sad and cried and moped around the whole day but then I didn't want to tell anyone what was wrong because I didn't know what was wrong. I just knew it was wrong. But you can't cry and then tell someone nothing's wrong. That's just downright emo. haha.

ooo shit! What am I doing here? I've got two tests to study for!

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