I hate it when I can see my friends headed for trouble and there's nothing I can do other than to let it run it's path. That's the worst feeling. And then for me that sort of transfers into annoyance with the person because I just wish they would stop what they are doing. This is not neccesarily to anyone in general, more just a general observation.

I think I am falling apart. Today at break I couldn't find anyone to hang out with so first I sat by myself at my locker (which I have been finding myself doing a lot these days) and then I wandered around the halls, popping in and out of random rooms looking around for one of my friends but alas I gave up and sat in my classroom 15 minutes early. And sewed. Epitome of pathetic. See, it's not that I don't have friends, rather, everyone is always busy with lunch meetings or clubs or finishing up homework. Then at lunch I was really tired so I curled up in a pile of backpacks and took a nap (the ultimate "crack-whore" move haha).  If I didn't know me, I'd think I was on a lot of drugs.

On another note, I'm so excited for this weekend though also a bit stressed because there is so much happening (Halloween oriented). There is Biph's band's show with Kaley, Knotts Scary Farm with a bunch of people, Chris', Rocky Horror Picture Show, Judas Priest/Rob Zombie, and a shitload more. The sad thing is that at most I'll only be able to make it to two  of those things . AH speaking of Halloween, I still don't have a costume!!! Arapaie says I should be a "bag lady crackwhore" and glue cats to myself...We'll see.

Man, this guy  looked so good today. Why is it that assholes are always so damn hot? Or maybe it's the other way around; they're assholes because they're hot. Either way it sucks. Sometimes he looks so good that I don't want him, I think I fucking want to be him, hahaha.

Yeah, so everyone's probably at afterparty right now. I don't know, parties just aren't really my thing. Plus, I think some of my friends would just be so dissapointed in me if I were to drink/smoke and etc. Then again, I don't particularly want to do any of those things with the people at my school so it's all good. Man, homecoming sucks. I don't mind school spirit, I just hate being dragged into it. Ok, I can understand if someone is annoyed with me for dragging their spirit down, but god damn don't get upset with me because I myself am not into it. Ha and Ms. Mendlow practically called me the Anti-Christ of homecoming.

But yeah, tonight I had fun with Arapaie. We went to Westwood and bought random stuff for Halloween. Then we were skateboarding in our costumes (I was wearing huge pink bunny ears and 50's style pink checkered glasses and Arapaie has this rad black cape and awesome batman gloves and a black rose) and I fell off the board and this homeless dude was laughing at me (haha Arapaie: bring it on bitch part II). I really wanted to go back to school and come to the dance dressed liked the grim reaper but of course that would have been a bad idea (though I would have loved to see the slutty girls squeal*).

I watched Win a Date with Tad Hamilton and part of Pretty Woman tonight becuase I have nothing better to do with my life. I normally don't watch those sorts of movies but I just feel sort of love-sicky. Not that there's a specific person in mind, I just wish there was someone. I think my problem is that I'm too picky. I don't usually like guys my age (I like guys older than me--as in like way older), and I like guys with problems. Lots of problems. It's wierd-- like there was this one guy but when I heard he was off drugs I didn't like him anymore. Actually that's happened more than once. How cruel is that? Jessie and Daniel say it's because I have my own problems so I feel comfortable around people with problems worse than mine.  I just don't know why I can't get a guy. If I at least knew what was wrong with me I could fix it. Sometimes I think I do know: it's because I'm just so weird. And if that's it, then it sucks because that's something I'll never be able to fix.

*note I don't hate sluts, just these.

It's weird...being here...in my old journal. I remember when this thing used to mean so much to me. Before I deleted it, I copied everything into Word and had over 100 pages worth of text. I printed it all and now I have no idea where it is. I wonder where it could be lurking around in my room...It's weird how everything from that "era" of my life has just evaporated into the mist of my mind.

I never really got into the whole livejournal thing. Livejournal is so limiting. Bravenet is freedom. I mean, check out this layout. Haha just kidding.

It's weird being here.

For some reason, I keep thinking about this guy. I think I was in love with him. I know, I know, I couldn't have really been in love with him...but he just meant so much to me. I don't know why I still think about him. But I do. I still think about him.

Our names sounded perfect together.

And no, you do not know this person.

I don't know what this post is about. I don't know why I'm here. I guess I'm just writing fragmented pieces of the thoughts present in my mind right now. Just fragments.

I miss the old me. I miss "Esmi." She was depressed, yet witty. Depressed, but spontaneous. Depression is fuel. Now I am just a blah. I am content. I'd rather be anything but content. I'd rather be extremely happy or depressed. I know that sounds crazy but at least when your depressed you have this angry fire burning inside of you. It's like this fuel that never stops burning and pushing you to find a way to make things better. But when your content it's just like "well, life kinda sucks a little but oh well. If I just sit here, good things will come eventually. C'est la vie." It's like you're too close to the verge of happiness that you can't want more without feeling selfish.

See, there is good depression and bad depression. Contentment is the worst kind. It's where you can't really pinpoint what's wrong exactly. Ok, so that's not Webster's definition of being content but it's mine so fuck off .  This is what happened the other day. I was just really sad and cried and moped around the whole day but then I didn't want to tell anyone what was wrong because I didn't know what was wrong. I just knew it was wrong. But you can't cry and then tell someone nothing's wrong. That's just downright emo. haha.

ooo shit! What am I doing here? I've got two tests to study for!

You scored as True Neutral. A True Neutral person has two faces- either these people are merely apathetic, preferring to focus their minds on more important things, or these people truly believe in a balance of all things. To these people, there can be no light without some darkness. These people also have no dedication to, or intrinsic distrust of, laws. True Neutral 65% Lawful Evil 65% Lawful Good 60% Chaotic Good 60% Chaotic Evil 50% Neutral Evil 45% Neutral Good 40% Chaotic Neutral 35% Lawful Neutral 25% What is your Alignment? created with QuizFarm.com

For some odd reason or another, I feel like I wrote in a really "proper" manor tonight...

       This past week has been so extremely busy so I am so glad to be starting a new week-- and it's almost vacation! Yesterday was the busiest day out of them all. I had choir rehearsal starting at 11:30, then the show at 2:00-3:30, and then from 3:00-5:00 improv workshop (which I missed half of), then an improv show from 6-7. The women's choir performance was alright, though I messed up on the words for "This Little Babe" and during the processional, I was freaking out because the part I had to sing was soprano 1 and I am an alto. But all in all, I'd say it turned out pretty well. Improv was also pretty good. We went out with our team for a quick dinner in Westwood-- the highlight of the night being Jayson's invisible girlfriend and Jessie's eternal hiccupping. During the show, we were all pretty nervous about performing in front of a mass group of random people with absolutely no scripted lines. Do you have any idea how frightening that is? Luckily, it turned out alright, though only two people from our school came. This morning, Miriam asked me "Have you ever realized that all of the kids in improv are really dork?" My response: "Aaah yes, but we shall take over the worrlldd!" Then I realized that by saying that, I was proving exactly her point of improv kids being goofy. We had quite a laugh over that. Anyways, enough with that.
    Last night I stayed up really late again writing. I wrote four pages of a new story-- which much like all of my other stories will never see the light of day. I'm too shy...
    Today on the bus home, we passed by a murder site. Well I suppose everywhere in Los Angeles has been a murder site at one point or another, but it's especially disturbing to see a fresh murder/accident site. It brought back memories of when my old neighbor was killed a few months ago...The members of this city seriously need some help with their social skills.
    Last thing to say: I had an interesting conversation with my mother last night. The topic being "Is ignorance innocence?" Your thoughts please=!

Exploit the suffering of others...it seems to be what we're best at.

Click please, tis one of  my favourites.

I've been posting so many quizes. Please excuse my mindlessness. Now for the real stuff:

Lately, life and society has felt like a big train, going around and around in circles and the only way to get off of it is to jump off while it's still moving. We're all sitting inside of this big train looking out, wishing we could jump off, but we are all too afraid of what might happen. One might get lucky and land on a matress, or on the other hand, one could land in a field of spikes. Of course there is middle ground, one might land in a bed of rocks-- gain a few bruises, but eventually the bruises would heal and one's body would be stronger than it was. But the thing is, hardly any of us jump off of the "society train" because the only sign we see left from those who jump off is their blood splattered on the window. There is not sign of the people who land on matresses because they just get up and walk away unharmed, no sign left from their journey. Because of this, the people still stuck inside the society train just look at the blood on their windows and think "Ooh, well I suppose that is what would happen if I were to jump off, so I better just stick inside where I am sure to be safe. Sure I might be limited in here, but at least I won't end up like that," but they never see any signs of the good things that can happen because when the driver of the society train thinks you might be having ideas of your own, he just speeds up the train so there is no time to look around at all of the other possibilities. I hope that one day enough people will decide to jump off of the train, until one day, the train windows will be so covered in blood that everyone on the train will be encouraged to jump off too so they can see what is actually outside of those tinted windows.

But what after that? Encouraging people to jump off is still controling them. And if they did jump off, anarchy would surely ensue. In some sense, some of us need the safety and guidance the train provides, but what if we want to explore more? I feel like a puppet or a dog on a leash; I like the safety and reassurance I get in knowing that somebody is holding on to me, but sometime's I just wish my leash were a little bit longer. I suppose I am just looking for something that cannot be found...


Hopefully some of that made sense.

---

On a lighter note...

    On Saturday, I saw HIM with Vera. It was so amazing! The show was almost cancelled because Ville was pretty sick (you could hear how stuffy his nose was when he spoke), but thank goodness the show went on! When we got there, I tried to get us into the pit  by insisting to the ticket man that my ticket said "floor" even though it clearly read "mezz." In the end, he just replied in a "silly you" sort of voice "No it doesn't!" and pointed me to the stairs.
    Auf der Maur and Monster Magnet opened. I liked both of them, but I my mother and Vera did not liek Monster Magnet (my mom actually WANTED to go see HIM which frightens me a tad). HIM will be playing again in February. I'd love to go see them, but it's on a Sunday night so it's not likely possible. HIM will be coming out with a new album around next fall, I can't wait! Also, they were featured in the L.A. Times this week!
    The Hives are playing next week at the Wiltern and Marilyn Manson is the week after that. I would have loved to have just slept over at the Wiltern through all of that, especially to see Manson, but alas, the law insists that I get an education.